steve carlton writing

My head is all mushy. It’s 4 in the afternoon, right around nap time. I want to get stuff done today. I have many ambitions and my options are limitless. Only my perspective is limited. Stuck in a routine, both good and bad. Trying to establish a system to conquer morning, afternoon and evening. To get stuff done, but I am neglecting it. I can get pass the next two hours until I go to practice. I could just watch some videos. I could move around some trash in my room and feel better about myself. That’s it, no? I can do good and harm in one motion. After practice the day is going to be in natural decline, everybody will be going home to have some dinner. The sun will go down. I might have a glass of wine and get distracted. But the sun will come up again and so will I. I need to get stuff done tomorrow. I have many ambitions and my options are limitless. Feel like removing myself, no feelings involved I feel for you, I’ve been in the field for you It’s real for you, r

I feel like life has a poetic cruelty to it sometimes. You can give it your all and it still won’t work, And then you give some more and hold on tight But soon you’ll see, it still ain’t right. Then you try to step back and ask the question: When is this shit gonna stop? I mean can I grow up? Some say whenever a door closes, a window opens. Some say the moon is made out of cheese. I say I don’t know. I sure do like my windows open. As I grow older I find myself practicing self comprehension. I would highly recommend that for anyone else really - I find comfort in knowing who I am and how I feel, Even though sometimes knowing isn’t comfortable at all. Sometimes we turn away from how we feel - just because And do things we know we really shouldn’t, Maybe to enjoy a moment and I see no harm in that, But my eternal wrath shall reign on all.

I try to stay as optimistic as possible. Life often tells me it’s quite the opposite, but what’s the point of arguing with life, if you still want to live it? Sometimes though, it hits you and then often from an angle that you wouldn’t have anticipated. I want inner peace and harmony. I avoid having unnecessary fights. I make sure to make myself very clear most of the time, just so that I can avoid being misunderstood. But you might have a bad day and I might be, too. When the temper is flying high or when things go primal inside of you, I find it hard to tell myself that everything is cool and that I shouldn’t worry about this or that. That’s because of life and the lessons I have learned and I am not trying to get anyone’s pity - to me, I am just making sure that I am understood right. I find myself wondering about the purpose of life and my place in this world. Not everything in absolutes.

I know wickedness. I know hysteria. I don't understand my attraction to it, but it has happened repeatedly. The concept of craving someone's attention, whose attention I really shouldn't be getting. Or even shouldn't be after. The concept of temptation. Harmless interactions with no bad intentions. Wooing princesses long after, never forgotten. Wishful thinking mixed with a bit of spontaneity lead to a chemical reaction. Adding more substances to it was easy. The experiment never lead to any success for you and yet the experiment lead to a lot of success for me. Or so I believed. Adding more substance to us was impossible after all. I know weakness, too. I know projection, yes. I have projected once myself and I have been called out on it, but there is no regret anymore. Or so I believe. I understand abuse and I can relate. I know fear. I know anxiety. You know that I know. The distinct difference between what is and what could have been: lies in your understanding of