Skip to main content

Wickedness and Weakness

I know wickedness. I know hysteria. I don't understand my attraction to it, but it has happened repeatedly. The concept of craving someone's attention, whose attention I really shouldn't be getting. Or even shouldn't be after. The concept of temptation. Harmless interactions with no bad intentions. Wooing princesses long after, never forgotten. Wishful thinking mixed with a bit of spontaneity lead to a chemical reaction. Adding more substances to it was easy. The experiment never lead to any success for you and yet the experiment lead to a lot of success for me. Or so I believed. Adding more substance to us was impossible after all.
I know weakness, too. I know projection, yes. I have projected once myself and I have been called out on it, but there is no regret anymore. Or so I believe. I understand abuse and I can relate. I know fear. I know anxiety. You know that I know.
The distinct difference between what is and what could have been: lies in your understanding of truth. Your truth wasn't my truth and my truth wasn't what you were after. I hope you can believe that because I never did. In the end, it's never as big as I make it and this was never your intention, right? Haha.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Obsession

I wake up at night. It is 2:30 AM and my mind accelerates, as does my heartbeat. There is no point in turning around for another couple of minutes anymore, I won't find any rest.  I go to the bathroom and put in my contact lense and use some eyedrops and sit down in front of my screen. The whole day has revolved around this moment, it is time for playoff basketball and my team is playing. The Toronto Raptors, the underdog from Canada.  Last year, from April through June, was a magical time because we ended up winning the NBA championship. Notice I said "we"?  For somebody living in Germany it is not exactly comfortable to stay up every other night to watch live games that take place on the other side of the globe, but that is part of the excitement. Feeling connected with the team and knowing what happened before everybody else around here does.  I have never been to Canada, nor the US for that matter. When I started playing basketball myself I was often watching hig...
1 comment
Read more

On Priviledge

I understand that the situation worldwide surrounding COVID-19 is terrible. It is required that people stay home during this time in order to slow down the spread of the pandemic and that is as much attention as I intend to give to this omnipresent topic for now, but even the invasion of my thoughts in the morning, as I write this, is difficult to deal with because I am trying to explain myself in a somewhat chronological fashion and it is bound to come up again in this retrospective practice. There are certain stress related symptoms that I am experiencing again lately. A couple of months back was the first time that I had a skin-related issue besides severe backpain after I was done working on my thesis and it was a little troubling for me, honestly speaking. I believe the symptoms are now showing again because of the last couple of weeks. My mother, whose age I am not willing to specify other than elderly, was scheduled to have a hip replacement operation and I was nervous as hell...
2 comments
Read more

Integrity or volatile things

From a writer's standpoint I feel like I missed the train right now. It left the station in the moment I got there and now I have to wait for God knows how long to get the next opportunity. In a way this describes the process of being judgemental about one's own work and I wanted to explain how my mind runs in that regard. There have been times where I have been writing on a daily basis, or something close to it, and even though not everything turned into something, the general level of judgement I would bring towards every text was much, much lower than how it would have been, had I not been writing on a frequent basis. The bar gradually moves up higher and higher and eventually, when I do take up a pen and paper or move towards a keyboard, whatever comes out is just garbage in my eyes in most cases. Unless there was something produced by God-given talent, of course. I struggle with responsibility from time to time. If I take it and attach it to my writing, then there is a...
1 comment
Read more