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Conflicted

About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment, which from my experience I was expecting to be a lengthier affair. I hadn't seen him in a while and we would always have a lovely chat, yet this last time our business was rather brief and I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an anecdote of mine when there was obviously no reason for me to take up anymore of his time than necessary.
The moment became really awkward actually when I quickly wrapped up my tale only to find that his reaction was not how I thought it was going to be and after saying our goodbyes I went home feeling a certain way about myself.

It took some time of reflection to understand that I was desperate to have a conversation with someone. That I was lonely during that time and didn't really know where to go with myself, but that would only be half of the truth. It wasn't that I was lacking direction, but that I was missing motivation - that I was scared.

There are few things that I like more than to have a stimulating conversation with someone. I find there is a lot of therapeutic value in being honest and especially the exchange with creative people, infrequent as it might be, is something I always cherish incredibly. My enjoyment is in hearing other people out and trying to apply their point of view to my situations. I guess one could say that I like to be observant, but there are times when I find it hard to stop talking. When I get excited about something I am talking about... time really flies.

Recently, I have been in a conflict with myself beyond the means of the above mentioned problem. When people refer to me as smart I find it difficult not to look for a negative connotation in that because most of the time being smart is really close to being a smart-ass. From my point of view, I like to observe and deconstruct what the other person is saying, but more times than not this is understood as turning this around and putting the blame on them. What I consider to be a neutral comment, a reaction to what they have said, a simple and objective statement... to them looks like anything but that. I understand in many situations it is difficult to entirely remove emotion and a subjective point of view, but after I've admittedly "won" the argument, there remains to be an awkward silence and hurt feelings. Then, I am isolated and I think to myself: Well, techniquely I was right, but...

There are conversations I want to have, be that with other people and even sometimes with myself. Thoughts I want to explore further and roads I need to take, but over the last weeks I have been stagnant. I haven't written and rarely interacted. I have thought and contemplated. There was intention, but no action.

Comments

  1. Some people tend to see black and white, or they are not impartial; that could be why they don't understand your neutral comments. Or, they are not listening with depth to what you are saying to them.
    There is different "smarts". I'm not academic or artistic but according to those psychological tests, I'm perceptive. Some people are smart at maths but not so good with the creative.

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    Replies
    1. I am curious to know which test it was that you are speaking of. I would like to try one out for myself! Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. :)

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