steve carlton writing

I can look at people's accounts online that might connect us. I can swipe away until I find you. I can catch glances and smile and yet keep wondering. I can sacrifice hours of my day contemplating what it might mean. Yet I don't want to look inside of me to see what it is that wants to be nurtured. - Tragically we keep looking everywhere that is outside ourselves to find something that makes us whole, that will keep us going and that is great for the moment, but rarely do we find the strength to go and turn the other way and consider. Consider that the outside isn't going to help with this. That no interaction could ever be sweet enough, that no message or like would fix us like we want it to. The flaw is in the direction. If all the attention was spend looking inside then it would all be different. The interactions would mean more. The messages would be genuine. The time spent would be more useful. After years of introspection I am still dumbfounded sometimes...

I am not really into new years resolutions and that sort of thing, simply because one can always make a change in one's life - there musn't be a new year to start. That is just putting things off for a while and that is lazy and irresponsible, but whatever. There are a couple of things, though, that are difficult to entirely detach oneself from and this is similar. Ten days into the new year, the new decade even, I am tempted to look back for a number of reasons. Last year was full of tests for me, not least the thesis I had to write. I wanted to play basketball to have an exchange of energy and a physical outlet, but I got injured and wasn't able to play from February to August and then when I got back, two months later I got injured again and up to this day I have yet to fully recover from that. I had to adjust my expectations towards my eventual return to basketball and I had to find a different way to relief stress. Similarly, I had to adjust my expectations towards...