I am not really into new years resolutions and that sort of thing, simply because one can always make a change in one's life - there musn't be a new year to start. That is just putting things off for a while and that is lazy and irresponsible, but whatever.
There are a couple of things, though, that are difficult to entirely detach oneself from and this is similar.
Ten days into the new year, the new decade even, I am tempted to look back for a number of reasons. Last year was full of tests for me, not least the thesis I had to write. I wanted to play basketball to have an exchange of energy and a physical outlet, but I got injured and wasn't able to play from February to August and then when I got back, two months later I got injured again and up to this day I have yet to fully recover from that.
I had to adjust my expectations towards my eventual return to basketball and I had to find a different way to relief stress.
Similarly, I had to adjust my expectations towards my family and relationships I have because there is only so much that I can do to affect the opinion of others. Stoicism has been a useful tool to understand and to function, yet it is not always something that makes one genuinely happy. It is more so to make oneself get through something, like a stressful period in one's life.
While there was no relief through basketball and an increasing amount of stress with my thesis because of the deadline I was slowly working and not working towards, I noticed multiple psychosomatic issues that came to my attention. Ringing of my ears, itching of the skin - that sort of thing.
All of that told me I had to focus even more and push through and while it was painful and exhausting, I managed.
Eventually the thesis was finished and even though my expectations weren't high, they weren't met. Rather than to celebrate that I was done, there were people that gave me shit because it took so long and I complained so much and that, alongside of other things I had to adjust my expectations to (hindsight is 20/20), it was a general downer and after two days of "rest" I started to become unhappy.
It took me a while until I realised why that was and it was surprising, honestly, when I understood. It was not that I was finished with the thesis and after two days felt like I had not done anything significant in a while, but that because I had stopped my writing practice, which had been a daily thing, I stopped because I believed I should focus entirely on being productive in terms of writing the thesis. Productive yes, happy no.
My conclusion from all of this was that I should never stop writing, again. No matter the load of stress, no matter how dire a situation really seems. Because I cannot control how other people react to me, because I cannot control how quick I recover from injury, because I cannot control how far away all my friends might move in the end - the one thing that I have control over is my writing and the most important thing I learned last year was that I should never stop. Not because I am so good at it, not because so many people read it, not because I get all the likes and fame I might have desired some years ago, but because it is important for my feeling of self-worth and happiness.
I have felt tested last year and my patience is still often tested this year, as it probably will be for all my life. In this moment, however, I also feel that I am only tolerated by some people and that is something I want to take care of. It is not in my hands to change the way they feel about me, not entirely at least, but what I can adjust is how I feel about them tolerating me. Therein lies the key, perspective.
There are a couple of things, though, that are difficult to entirely detach oneself from and this is similar.
Ten days into the new year, the new decade even, I am tempted to look back for a number of reasons. Last year was full of tests for me, not least the thesis I had to write. I wanted to play basketball to have an exchange of energy and a physical outlet, but I got injured and wasn't able to play from February to August and then when I got back, two months later I got injured again and up to this day I have yet to fully recover from that.
I had to adjust my expectations towards my eventual return to basketball and I had to find a different way to relief stress.
Similarly, I had to adjust my expectations towards my family and relationships I have because there is only so much that I can do to affect the opinion of others. Stoicism has been a useful tool to understand and to function, yet it is not always something that makes one genuinely happy. It is more so to make oneself get through something, like a stressful period in one's life.
While there was no relief through basketball and an increasing amount of stress with my thesis because of the deadline I was slowly working and not working towards, I noticed multiple psychosomatic issues that came to my attention. Ringing of my ears, itching of the skin - that sort of thing.
All of that told me I had to focus even more and push through and while it was painful and exhausting, I managed.
Eventually the thesis was finished and even though my expectations weren't high, they weren't met. Rather than to celebrate that I was done, there were people that gave me shit because it took so long and I complained so much and that, alongside of other things I had to adjust my expectations to (hindsight is 20/20), it was a general downer and after two days of "rest" I started to become unhappy.
It took me a while until I realised why that was and it was surprising, honestly, when I understood. It was not that I was finished with the thesis and after two days felt like I had not done anything significant in a while, but that because I had stopped my writing practice, which had been a daily thing, I stopped because I believed I should focus entirely on being productive in terms of writing the thesis. Productive yes, happy no.
My conclusion from all of this was that I should never stop writing, again. No matter the load of stress, no matter how dire a situation really seems. Because I cannot control how other people react to me, because I cannot control how quick I recover from injury, because I cannot control how far away all my friends might move in the end - the one thing that I have control over is my writing and the most important thing I learned last year was that I should never stop. Not because I am so good at it, not because so many people read it, not because I get all the likes and fame I might have desired some years ago, but because it is important for my feeling of self-worth and happiness.
I have felt tested last year and my patience is still often tested this year, as it probably will be for all my life. In this moment, however, I also feel that I am only tolerated by some people and that is something I want to take care of. It is not in my hands to change the way they feel about me, not entirely at least, but what I can adjust is how I feel about them tolerating me. Therein lies the key, perspective.
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