steve carlton writing

My head is all mushy. It’s 4 in the afternoon, right around nap time. I want to get stuff done today. I have many ambitions and my options are limitless. Only my perspective is limited. Stuck in a routine, both good and bad. Trying to establish a system to conquer morning, afternoon and evening. To get stuff done, but I am neglecting it. I can get pass the next two hours until I go to practice. I could just watch some videos. I could move around some trash in my room and feel better about myself. That’s it, no? I can do good and harm in one motion. After practice the day is going to be in natural decline, everybody will be going home to have some dinner. The sun will go down. I might have a glass of wine and get distracted. But the sun will come up again and so will I. I need to get stuff done tomorrow. I have many ambitions and my options are limitless. Feel like removing myself, no feelings involved I feel for you, I’ve been in the field for you It’s real for you, r...

I feel like life has a poetic cruelty to it sometimes. You can give it your all and it still won’t work, And then you give some more and hold on tight But soon you’ll see, it still ain’t right. Then you try to step back and ask the question: When is this shit gonna stop? I mean can I grow up? Some say whenever a door closes, a window opens. Some say the moon is made out of cheese. I say I don’t know. I sure do like my windows open. As I grow older I find myself practicing self comprehension. I would highly recommend that for anyone else really - I find comfort in knowing who I am and how I feel, Even though sometimes knowing isn’t comfortable at all. Sometimes we turn away from how we feel - just because And do things we know we really shouldn’t, Maybe to enjoy a moment and I see no harm in that, But my eternal wrath shall reign on all.

I try to stay as optimistic as possible. Life often tells me it’s quite the opposite, but what’s the point of arguing with life, if you still want to live it? Sometimes though, it hits you and then often from an angle that you wouldn’t have anticipated. I want inner peace and harmony. I avoid having unnecessary fights. I make sure to make myself very clear most of the time, just so that I can avoid being misunderstood. But you might have a bad day and I might be, too. When the temper is flying high or when things go primal inside of you, I find it hard to tell myself that everything is cool and that I shouldn’t worry about this or that. That’s because of life and the lessons I have learned and I am not trying to get anyone’s pity - to me, I am just making sure that I am understood right. I find myself wondering about the purpose of life and my place in this world. Not everything in absolutes.

I know wickedness. I know hysteria. I don't understand my attraction to it, but it has happened repeatedly. The concept of craving someone's attention, whose attention I really shouldn't be getting. Or even shouldn't be after. The concept of temptation. Harmless interactions with no bad intentions. Wooing princesses long after, never forgotten. Wishful thinking mixed with a bit of spontaneity lead to a chemical reaction. Adding more substances to it was easy. The experiment never lead to any success for you and yet the experiment lead to a lot of success for me. Or so I believed. Adding more substance to us was impossible after all. I know weakness, too. I know projection, yes. I have projected once myself and I have been called out on it, but there is no regret anymore. Or so I believe. I understand abuse and I can relate. I know fear. I know anxiety. You know that I know. The distinct difference between what is and what could have been: lies in your understanding of...

I understand this is not for you, but for me. You have not experienced this in a long time or maybe never, but I have. Quick draw heartbreak. I told you that I have problems attaching and this really didn't help at all. I needed someone to lean on and you disappeared. I supported you when you needed me to. I am upset that I was right that I have seen this come a mile away, but I told myself there was no reason to worry, if I could believe you, but I couldn't. I feld bad because I started questioning myself and went back and forth with myself, when I was right all along. Your biggest mistake was not to tell me. That you excluded me and thought that lying to me, when it really was obvious, would be in my best interest. You kept me dangling. Something I hoped you wouldn't. I thought you were different, but I guess you aren't. You made me feel special and the experience we shared made me believe it. I wanted to better myself and I knew it would be tough for me...

I pose a threat they cannot get behind They look at me and keep wondering what's on my mind, It doesn't matter what I do, they judge me anyway I gotta keep in mind that it is their normal way, When our world views won't aline This feeling in their stomachs becoming so sublime, Cause I don't fit in their scheme When I am out there, chasing my dream, Or when I am being honest and real Share my emotions and how I do feel, They say I have a problem, it's unbearable to deal With me and when I am trying to heal, My mind, hurt from life, created a story Inside a story - so far, so deep, I cannot stop but worry, About you - not about me, believe this is true, I've got you on my mind, even when I need to get better But it seems to you it doesn't matter, So if you insist, I'll leave you right Here

I thought you were little Miss Sunshine turns out that after your first line, I had to realize you turned into Little Miss No-Replies, But worse than that the fact I tried to emphatize With your story and your attitude, Failed to recognize when you were rude And came back to what I knew, When my intention was to screw You against the wall and the floor, But then you left me and I stood in the door Oh little Miss Sunshine, Why did you try that first line? Doc told me the way of coping was addressing That's the only way I could ever stop stressing, Said I should write a letter and never send it That's the only way I could ever end it, But it's hard to give up hope And continued to drown myself in dope, Still I wouldn't stop defending You didn't lie to me I kept pretending, When I decided to confront you You were quick to start confessing, But then you went back to not replying Even when I was trying, man that's so depressing Oh little M...