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Moments before Africa

“I thought this would all go down differently” I said to her and didn’t quite know what I was feeling. She gave me a slight smile and said “Come on, I need to go to bed.” This was all rushed, I had prepared for a different scenario. “Well, you take care, alright?” I hushed. “I will. See you in October.” she replied. We gave each other a short, meaningless kiss and I was on my way home.

I came over to take care of her, made her a nice dinner, brought some ice cream and gave her back a good rub. All while she was feeling miserable. I just wanted to look after her and enjoy the last moments together before she went away to Africa the next week. Unfortunately, it all came different. Just two weeks after our almost break up, I felt like I got played again. I just happened to realize this maybe a third of the way home because the first third I was feeling quite sorry for myself. The last third I was quite angry actually. I ended up thinking that I should have not invited myself in to take care of her in the end because she was really hard to like when she was feeling ill and although these were our last moments together for a month, as it seems, she was really cold emotionally. Just last time she was all crazy for me and we ended up having hot passionate sex and on the morning thereafter she was still very happy with her choice and said “we would manage everything.”

Well, if you know me, you know that it still got worse from there because once I made the 45 minute drive back home, I was stuck outside of a locked door with my mom asleep from the wine and painkillers, so I could not even wake her up to take the key out of the lock from the inside, which would have been annoyingly painful for both of us, but not even that was possible. I was stuck at home, in front of my house at night, with my girlfriend well taken care of at her place after she basically served me and I was just very upset with myself in that moment. I couldn’t believe my own short sightedness. I had just poured out my heart into the most perfectly crafted love letter to her, then enrisked myself to a purulent tonsillitis and fever just to be with her in the last moments all for nothing. Just after we had almost separated and three talks about clear communication and taking things slow, she’s not communicating clearly and I am overdoing things again. I even cleaned up the mess in her kitchen for Christ’s sake.

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