Skip to main content

Restless

Have you ever met a writer, who is afraid of reading?


I've stated this years ago (in other words): Young people don't read enough. It is just not in fashion enough, I would say, struggling to find a better explanation. This included myself just as much as anyone else, since I barely read anything at that time. I am studying literature and I refuse to read, which makes absolutely ZERO sense to me.

I go on living my life in the disregard of friendship, being misguided (because I have NO role model) and behave regretful.

My search for reason has led me to believe I was a special snowflake that should just keep dreaming, while I was trying to destroy myself.

I write a letter to my deceased father because I am struggling to hold on. At this point, I have dug myself into a hole so deep that I cannot see the light on top of me no more.
In three years of therapy I have never cried spontaneously, but when I was asked to critize my father, I broke into tears immediately: Jackpot.
In an attempt to find peace after struggling to find meaning, I write a letter that breaks my heart and somehow... I delete it. (It is gone)

Today, I am restless. My ear is drumming like a machine and I feel like twentysix is close enough for a sober man, who has lived regretfully in the past, to have a stroke and leave this world. Why can't I make sense of myself, of other people or of my expectations?

Two nights ago I had the worst nightmare about hawks and eagles.
Sometimes I am just afraid to pick up a book that I could find meaning in. I've read over 20 books this year alone, (but just on some days) I do not dare touch a book that I could find answers in.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Obsession

I wake up at night. It is 2:30 AM and my mind accelerates, as does my heartbeat. There is no point in turning around for another couple of minutes anymore, I won't find any rest.  I go to the bathroom and put in my contact lense and use some eyedrops and sit down in front of my screen. The whole day has revolved around this moment, it is time for playoff basketball and my team is playing. The Toronto Raptors, the underdog from Canada.  Last year, from April through June, was a magical time because we ended up winning the NBA championship. Notice I said "we"?  For somebody living in Germany it is not exactly comfortable to stay up every other night to watch live games that take place on the other side of the globe, but that is part of the excitement. Feeling connected with the team and knowing what happened before everybody else around here does.  I have never been to Canada, nor the US for that matter. When I started playing basketball myself I was often watching hig...

Conflicted

About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment, which from my experience I was expecting to be a lengthier affair. I hadn't seen him in a while and we would always have a lovely chat, yet this last time our business was rather brief and I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an anecdote of mine when there was obviously no reason for me to take up anymore of his time than necessary. The moment became really awkward actually when I quickly wrapped up my tale only to find that his reaction was not how I thought it was going to be and after saying our goodbyes I went home feeling a certain way about myself. It took some time of reflection to understand that I was desperate to have a conversation with someone. That I was lonely during that time and didn't really know where to go with myself, but that would only be half of the truth. It wasn't that I was lacking direction, but that I was missing motivation - that I was scared. There are few things that I like ...

Integrity or volatile things

From a writer's standpoint I feel like I missed the train right now. It left the station in the moment I got there and now I have to wait for God knows how long to get the next opportunity. In a way this describes the process of being judgemental about one's own work and I wanted to explain how my mind runs in that regard. There have been times where I have been writing on a daily basis, or something close to it, and even though not everything turned into something, the general level of judgement I would bring towards every text was much, much lower than how it would have been, had I not been writing on a frequent basis. The bar gradually moves up higher and higher and eventually, when I do take up a pen and paper or move towards a keyboard, whatever comes out is just garbage in my eyes in most cases. Unless there was something produced by God-given talent, of course. I struggle with responsibility from time to time. If I take it and attach it to my writing, then there is a...