I understand that the situation worldwide surrounding COVID-19 is terrible. It is required that people stay home during this time in order to slow down the spread of the pandemic and that is as much attention as I intend to give to this omnipresent topic for now, but even the invasion of my thoughts in the morning, as I write this, is difficult to deal with because I am trying to explain myself in a somewhat chronological fashion and it is bound to come up again in this retrospective practice.
There are certain stress related symptoms that I am experiencing again lately. A couple of months back was the first time that I had a skin-related issue besides severe backpain after I was done working on my thesis and it was a little troubling for me, honestly speaking. I believe the symptoms are now showing again because of the last couple of weeks. My mother, whose age I am not willing to specify other than elderly, was scheduled to have a hip replacement operation and I was nervous as hell to send her away to the hospital. This is something that we were never good at, as a family - saying goodbye. It is always terribly awkward if we are both somewhat scared, worried and want to play it cool and then we exchange in an exceptionally ingenuine hug like old pals and that's it. "Call me, call me okay?" and out of the door she hobbles.
Like I said, the virus makes his guest-starring appearance again. Her operation thankfully was successful, yet now the situation in Germany was escalating and my concerns for her to get infected in this weak state were through the roof. This was something that I had been aware of since December, really, and I have been present for the global descent into madness regarding this. There was only one time where I was able to visit her in the hospital and I made sure not to touch her or anything. Unfortunately, I had to give her money, which I had to get from somewhere so there was concern in my mind because I was not completely in control anymore about whether or not I would transmit the virus to her or anyone else in the hospital. This level of concern might seem unreasonable to some at the time, but to me it was perfectly normal to think this way.
One day later the hospital didn't allow visitors anymore, so some days later my brother had to take a few things to my mother, which he had to give to her outside of the hospital (chaotic solution, really) while she was rolling around in a wheelchair.
Both of my workplaces have shut down, but I was able to secure another opportunity for myself that luckily I could work from home for, which brings me to my point eventually: how incredibly priviledged many people are right now, including myself. However, some of us have yet to realize that or acknowledge it. Extra time with the family or partners, time for hobbies and projects, time for literally everything that was put off for a long time. Currently, I don't feel restricted at all. Since my mother was able to go to rehab in this time of global crisis and they are really careful there, I am not worried about her as much anymore and that is good. The days in between hospital and rehab were a nightmare, frankly, because she is the worst at taking it slow. In order for her to feel useful, she commanded me around pointlessly and that put us both in a weird position. Now that she is gone for at least a couple of weeks, I can breathe, relax and go about my things at my own pace.
During her time in the hospital I had somewhat of an epiphany: There was always going to be something that I would eventually use to justify my actions or rather inactions. It could be my mother's operation, the virus, somebody else's behaviour or eventually (if all else failed) my deceased father and my own unfortunate past. That is the ultimate knock-out argument. Somehow I would always turn a conversation to the point where my opposition has to pity me and then they give in and tell me that I am right. This type of behaviour was something I had briefly noted a couple of years back, but it wasn't something that I consciously reflected upon at the time. It is actually something that I despise about myself because it essentially means that I am not willing to do something I don't want to do because of the past, but that is not adult nor responsible behaviour. I realized that there was always going to be something that I could use, so I should stop looking for it and just do what it is that I don't want to do. If you mix that with my sense of pessimism, then nobody really would ever get around to doing anything - end of story.
There are certain stress related symptoms that I am experiencing again lately. A couple of months back was the first time that I had a skin-related issue besides severe backpain after I was done working on my thesis and it was a little troubling for me, honestly speaking. I believe the symptoms are now showing again because of the last couple of weeks. My mother, whose age I am not willing to specify other than elderly, was scheduled to have a hip replacement operation and I was nervous as hell to send her away to the hospital. This is something that we were never good at, as a family - saying goodbye. It is always terribly awkward if we are both somewhat scared, worried and want to play it cool and then we exchange in an exceptionally ingenuine hug like old pals and that's it. "Call me, call me okay?" and out of the door she hobbles.
Like I said, the virus makes his guest-starring appearance again. Her operation thankfully was successful, yet now the situation in Germany was escalating and my concerns for her to get infected in this weak state were through the roof. This was something that I had been aware of since December, really, and I have been present for the global descent into madness regarding this. There was only one time where I was able to visit her in the hospital and I made sure not to touch her or anything. Unfortunately, I had to give her money, which I had to get from somewhere so there was concern in my mind because I was not completely in control anymore about whether or not I would transmit the virus to her or anyone else in the hospital. This level of concern might seem unreasonable to some at the time, but to me it was perfectly normal to think this way.
One day later the hospital didn't allow visitors anymore, so some days later my brother had to take a few things to my mother, which he had to give to her outside of the hospital (chaotic solution, really) while she was rolling around in a wheelchair.
Both of my workplaces have shut down, but I was able to secure another opportunity for myself that luckily I could work from home for, which brings me to my point eventually: how incredibly priviledged many people are right now, including myself. However, some of us have yet to realize that or acknowledge it. Extra time with the family or partners, time for hobbies and projects, time for literally everything that was put off for a long time. Currently, I don't feel restricted at all. Since my mother was able to go to rehab in this time of global crisis and they are really careful there, I am not worried about her as much anymore and that is good. The days in between hospital and rehab were a nightmare, frankly, because she is the worst at taking it slow. In order for her to feel useful, she commanded me around pointlessly and that put us both in a weird position. Now that she is gone for at least a couple of weeks, I can breathe, relax and go about my things at my own pace.
During her time in the hospital I had somewhat of an epiphany: There was always going to be something that I would eventually use to justify my actions or rather inactions. It could be my mother's operation, the virus, somebody else's behaviour or eventually (if all else failed) my deceased father and my own unfortunate past. That is the ultimate knock-out argument. Somehow I would always turn a conversation to the point where my opposition has to pity me and then they give in and tell me that I am right. This type of behaviour was something I had briefly noted a couple of years back, but it wasn't something that I consciously reflected upon at the time. It is actually something that I despise about myself because it essentially means that I am not willing to do something I don't want to do because of the past, but that is not adult nor responsible behaviour. I realized that there was always going to be something that I could use, so I should stop looking for it and just do what it is that I don't want to do. If you mix that with my sense of pessimism, then nobody really would ever get around to doing anything - end of story.
Could your reason for not being willing to do something you don't want to do be because
ReplyDeleteyou feel like you're restricted by obligation or emotionally pressured by someone?
I think to a degree the latter one you named, yes. Certainly there is pressure on everyone, if not from society at least, do go about their responsibilities. It is something that I have become consciously aware of that I stand in my own way though, regardless whether someone else is pressuring me or not. Thank you again for reading!
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