Change

The one thing that has been on my mind the most over the course of the last couple of weeks was, and still is, change. The best way I can describe how it has made me feel like would be to talk about a friend of mine. It is a close friend of mine, one of my best friends in fact, (but) and he is moving away. See, my first instinct was to say "one of my best friends in fact, but he is moving away" because that's how I feel right now or rather have felt for some time now. "..., but he is moving away" implies that our relationship is going to change, which I know it will not. He is not doing something to me, I understand. "... and he is moving away" implies that our relationship is more firmly embedded in trust. That we both understand that life is like that and friends might move away at some point, but you still stay friends. You just don't see each other all the time. Actually, most of our friends have already moved a little further away from were we grew up and it isn't like we as a group or I as an individual have never had thoughts and feelings like this. "He is moving away" does say something - maybe more about life. It is just that I have been with him constantly over the last years, I have probably seen him more than all my other friends. With him it hurts just differently to be honest. 

It probably speaks on my denial about things like this, about life. The struggle to hold on to ideas and pretend things will never change, even though they have in the past. Some things just NEVER change, right?

We talked about him moving away for the first time last year and the topic was only briefly discussed and at that point that wasn't something quite as relevant because it was still far ahead. When I think about it now, however, it strikes me as exceptionally painful. He has always been an anchor to me and now I feel adrift, helpless in a way. This time more than anything else has shown what I need to fall back on. A tough week can be made worth it by seeing a friend once on the weekend. I want to make perfectly clear that I hold no grudge against him or have any hard feelings about this, but I really have hard feelings about life. Whether this would have been different had I moved away first I don't know. The separation from what I consider to be home has already begun, even without my own doing because he is part of my home in many ways.