steve carlton writing

I wake up at night. It is 2:30 AM and my mind accelerates, as does my heartbeat. There is no point in turning around for another couple of minutes anymore, I won't find any rest.  I go to the bathroom and put in my contact lense and use some eyedrops and sit down in front of my screen. The whole day has revolved around this moment, it is time for playoff basketball and my team is playing. The Toronto Raptors, the underdog from Canada.  Last year, from April through June, was a magical time because we ended up winning the NBA championship. Notice I said "we"?  For somebody living in Germany it is not exactly comfortable to stay up every other night to watch live games that take place on the other side of the globe, but that is part of the excitement. Feeling connected with the team and knowing what happened before everybody else around here does.  I have never been to Canada, nor the US for that matter. When I started playing basketball myself I was often watching hig...

There might be a couple of reasons that have kept me from expressing myself lately. Maybe it was the fact that my operation and recovery took a bigger toll on me than I initially expected they would. This is possible, yet unlikely, since although I was very stressed, I don't think there could have been any long lasting effects due to the sensational recovery. (This is somewhat outdated, but still holds true at the end of the day.) Maybe getting my degree and struggling to find work immediately put me in a bad mental state. I braced myself for circumstances similar to this, but I was hopeful that it was not necessary to do so. Managing my expectations has always been difficult for me and I grativate towards being hard on myself. Maybe it was the fact that I saw one of my closest friends very vulnerable and realising my own helplessness. Seeing somebody that I have known my entire life open up about their own struggles and finding myself in that situation again. I have spend some tim...

It is a difficult time right now, inside and outside. Many people, I have come to think, might feel about what is going on in the world right now like I feel when I step into my father's old workshop. To give some more perspective: my father was a quite gifted craftsman and carpenter. Alongside his ability to speak and translate many difficult languages, his handiness and general capability contributed to the near perfect image of a male alpha that I was presented with as a child. An imagine I have struggled to live up against from day one, as one-sided and incomplete as it might have been. For all intents and purposes, as I grew up my father was the man and he could do anything. He build our house from scratch and accumulated a great assortment of tools in the basement and constructed himself a proper workshop that he used frequently. As far as I remember, he was a real work-horse and would only stop in the evening to have dinner and a beer.  Since he died when I was still very yo...

The one thing that has been on my mind the most over the course of the last couple of weeks was, and still is, change. The best way I can describe how it has made me feel like would be to talk about a friend of mine. It is a close friend of mine, one of my best friends in fact, (but) and he is moving away. See, my first instinct was to say "one of my best friends in fact, but he is moving away" because that's how I feel right now or rather have felt for some time now. "..., but he is moving away" implies that our relationship is going to change, which I know it will not. He is not doing something to me, I understand. "... and he is moving away" implies that our relationship is more firmly embedded in trust. That we both understand that life is like that and friends might move away at some point, but you still stay friends. You just don't see each other all the time. Actually, most of our friends have already moved a little further away from were we...

From a writer's standpoint I feel like I missed the train right now. It left the station in the moment I got there and now I have to wait for God knows how long to get the next opportunity. In a way this describes the process of being judgemental about one's own work and I wanted to explain how my mind runs in that regard. There have been times where I have been writing on a daily basis, or something close to it, and even though not everything turned into something, the general level of judgement I would bring towards every text was much, much lower than how it would have been, had I not been writing on a frequent basis. The bar gradually moves up higher and higher and eventually, when I do take up a pen and paper or move towards a keyboard, whatever comes out is just garbage in my eyes in most cases. Unless there was something produced by God-given talent, of course. I struggle with responsibility from time to time. If I take it and attach it to my writing, then there is a...

I think in a relationship there needs to be irritation of some sort, be that indecisiveness when in lack of leadership or arguments about differing opinions and maybe even fights. If the destructive potential of these interactions isn't too great, then it releases built-up tension and makes room for new (and maybe familiar) experiences and feelings (that might have been neglected recently) and it is both of that or leads to both of that on its own. If there is a balance between care and irritation, then the relationship is going to be strong enough to withstand obstacles. If one is never challenged, one can not grow. Much the same way, I think, it applies to human relationships of any kind. Sometimes we talk and fight and sometimes we communicate non-verbally, focusing on love and/or kindness, but often when I fight it is almost like an intellectual (or just really stupid) sparring. I would like to think that I surround myself with intelligent people and I love to communicate ope...

I understand that the situation worldwide surrounding COVID-19 is terrible. It is required that people stay home during this time in order to slow down the spread of the pandemic and that is as much attention as I intend to give to this omnipresent topic for now, but even the invasion of my thoughts in the morning, as I write this, is difficult to deal with because I am trying to explain myself in a somewhat chronological fashion and it is bound to come up again in this retrospective practice. There are certain stress related symptoms that I am experiencing again lately. A couple of months back was the first time that I had a skin-related issue besides severe backpain after I was done working on my thesis and it was a little troubling for me, honestly speaking. I believe the symptoms are now showing again because of the last couple of weeks. My mother, whose age I am not willing to specify other than elderly, was scheduled to have a hip replacement operation and I was nervous as hell...

(A note for anyone who wonders about my approach to writing: Focus on what is bothering you the most, what occupies most of your thoughts, what you most want to say and then start writing. Write that particular problem out, let it go and create some distance so that you may reflect. I do this with just about anything.) A lot sometimes becomes too much all of the sudden. Even not enough can become too much that is on your mind because your head will always look for an excuse to stay comfortable. Mine does at least. The over-arching theme of what has been happening to me lately, in a way, all relates to communication. There was an incident where a young friend of mine, 19, asked me for some advise on women. What a wonderful conversation it was! Almost like a conversation with a younger self of mine and who wouldn't like that? I really like him a lot, I always have and so to see him approach me with something in the manner I would have preferred, which is in private and as a coun...

About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment, which from my experience I was expecting to be a lengthier affair. I hadn't seen him in a while and we would always have a lovely chat, yet this last time our business was rather brief and I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an anecdote of mine when there was obviously no reason for me to take up anymore of his time than necessary. The moment became really awkward actually when I quickly wrapped up my tale only to find that his reaction was not how I thought it was going to be and after saying our goodbyes I went home feeling a certain way about myself. It took some time of reflection to understand that I was desperate to have a conversation with someone. That I was lonely during that time and didn't really know where to go with myself, but that would only be half of the truth. It wasn't that I was lacking direction, but that I was missing motivation - that I was scared. There are few things that I like ...

I can look at people's accounts online that might connect us. I can swipe away until I find you. I can catch glances and smile and yet keep wondering. I can sacrifice hours of my day contemplating what it might mean. Yet I don't want to look inside of me to see what it is that wants to be nurtured. - Tragically we keep looking everywhere that is outside ourselves to find something that makes us whole, that will keep us going and that is great for the moment, but rarely do we find the strength to go and turn the other way and consider. Consider that the outside isn't going to help with this. That no interaction could ever be sweet enough, that no message or like would fix us like we want it to. The flaw is in the direction. If all the attention was spend looking inside then it would all be different. The interactions would mean more. The messages would be genuine. The time spent would be more useful. After years of introspection I am still dumbfounded sometimes...

I am not really into new years resolutions and that sort of thing, simply because one can always make a change in one's life - there musn't be a new year to start. That is just putting things off for a while and that is lazy and irresponsible, but whatever. There are a couple of things, though, that are difficult to entirely detach oneself from and this is similar. Ten days into the new year, the new decade even, I am tempted to look back for a number of reasons. Last year was full of tests for me, not least the thesis I had to write. I wanted to play basketball to have an exchange of energy and a physical outlet, but I got injured and wasn't able to play from February to August and then when I got back, two months later I got injured again and up to this day I have yet to fully recover from that. I had to adjust my expectations towards my eventual return to basketball and I had to find a different way to relief stress. Similarly, I had to adjust my expectations towards...

Any new occurrence in my environment I immediately understand as an obstacle right now. Granted that an unsual amount of things cluster up sometimes, as life is, I need to be able to ignore things that are hypothetical for now and improve my ability to not see anything that could be a possible opportunity as outright negative. That applies to a friendly get-together with friends for Christmas also. Poor communication habits meets carelessness and thirty minutes into a group chat I can already picture disaster.

Here is where I am at: For about the last two weeks I feel like everything I have been writing is garbage, but that is really to be expected sometimes. I don't think I can expect one thing to be better than the last one all the time and what matters, anyway, is practice and building up a good habit. Habit is a good transition because I feel like I am just now realizing how many bad or unproductive habits I have maintained for God knows how many years without being aware of them. In a sense, I try to fix everything at one. In other words that is just leaving out things that I don't feel so strongly about now out of my daily routine and see how that makes me feel. Yesterday that maybe was a soul-crushing realization, however, today it is an electrifying mist of opportunity. I am remodelling my or rather refocusing my habits to become happier and more successful at the things I care about, including myself. Lastly, I am considering removing my work from wattpad because I h...

I came across this youtuber called "Universal Man" and his series "Man of Action", where he talks about reconfiguring your neurological circuits away from short and spiky reward habits like watching porn, eating junk food, playing video games, celebrity voyeurism, etc. to disciplines, both short and long term, to improve your overall mental health, fitness, career and so on. One of the things I draw from this is that my internet cookies must be quite easy to read because this is not something that I would have searched for myself, but something that I find interesting at the moment. In regards of my thesis at University, which I struggle still to work on, let's just be honest, I started to test more of the topics that Russell Brand talks about in his book "Recovery", which is the main source for my thesis, out for myself. Russell argues that we live in a society today that is almost run by addiction. Sociel media, food, pornography, drugs - everyth...

Yesterday I had a thought about possibly getting rid of my post-it notes that are in front of me basically all day, since I spend a lot of time at my desk. The reason that they are there is because I feel that when I write something down I don't need to remember it all the time and essentially, I can forget it for a little while. Post-its do have the tendency to remain on my desk for about a year, especially when I am not at my best, so you have to consider that how you might use them as a responsible human being might differ from the way that I use them right now. Anyway, yesterday I thought that maybe getting rid of them would be in my best interest because then I would not constantly be triggered when I am looking at them. Now they serve not as I intended to use them, but maybe as they were intended to be used by their inventor (or simply the first person to ever write a note to themselves).  Maybe them stressing me out all the time is useful because eventually I will be so str...

I remember the night that you took me back And the feeling that I had in your bed How I couldn't fall asleep for some time How unreal it all seemed to me that moment I remember thinking this normally doesn't happen And I was incredibly saddened To realise that part of me never wanted you to take me back To go through all that pain one more time I remember feeling that it wasn't meant to last And when you fell asleep right away It seemed that you were not as heavyhearted as I was It all happened just a bit too fast Because it was never meant to last Since it was born from lust and not from heart An urge, a desire, a flame But eventually Flames burn out

My eyes are wide open I have travelled far and wide But my path it was true I am weary, but also determined To reach the end (Of the clearing) In life's brightest moments But also in it's darkest My eyes had to adjust I have seen it all And I am still on my way To uphold the balance, I must Yet I've been (un)broken So many times over My faith has been tested But as I have travelled In moments I have squinted And wondered about the purpose If it justified the means Or if the ending was going to be What I wanted it to My eyes are wide open And my path, it was true I have travelled far and wide As I have travelled with you

I think it is important to enjoy the beauty of the moment. Sometimes that comes from being spontaneous and I should look to improve in that regard, but even I myself can get lucky and stumble into such a situation. It is the smiles that come after looking away and then back at you. It is the silence that isn't uncomfortable and the smallest affirmations like a hug or a comforting touch. It is in the passionate kisses that you have been waiting for, the look of attraction and the sharing of secrets - the opening up about oneself in a way one rarely ever does. It is my pleasure to enjoy all this, knowing that it can go away very quickly. It is about the moment and this I know for sure. The goodbye's and the message thereafter. The urge to meet again.  Really the simplest of things can be exciting, just because of someone else. The nature of this... it is fascinating to me. There are a couple of things I don't like about the culture of dating. Maybe some of them h...

I remember your time in Africa And the pain that I felt But also our first night What an animal you were How much love I had for you You really belonged there How lonely I was with you there That month away in Africa I remember longing for you And the love I still felt Ignoring the problems that were Keeping me up all night Still I remember that one night At your place, we got to know us there Looking at the stars that were Right there with you in Africa Alongside the distance you haven’t felt Between us and me waiting for you While I was hoping for you To change your mind one night Because of the love you have felt I saw a chance for us there When you return from Africa But you saw the changes that were Between us, the issues that were More complicated for you That realization came in Africa When you sat by yourself one night And didn’t wish for me to be there There was no more love that you felt You stopped to care wha...

The purpose of this entry is twofold: For one, it is an explanation as to why I have missed out on posting on my schedule, even when admittedly very few people (if any at all) even noticed or care. However, I do and I did, but as it turns out it might just be necessary, sometimes, that I have something like this happen to me, maybe a missed appointment, an unanswered call or a couple of sleepless nights. Those might be required for me to notice that there is something that is not quite right, to put it mildly - that there is a thing that is frightening, anxiety provoking or in any other way unsettling, which eventually I can't ignore anymore. I have gotten better at realising that something like that is happening, however, I still take my time (and often need advice) with an actual solution, a way forward.  The purpose of this entry is also to explain to myself why it was that I did not post (on all mediums) yesterday. This blog, however, is rather serious for me because it is the...